Just The Way It Is.

Sometimes in life, we experience things we want so much, but then, when it’s already there, we don’t seem to find contentment in ourselves, and eventually end up hurting ourselves.

We become intoxicated at the feeling of finding what we want, that we become blinded from the hidden consequences that come with those emotions. I know it sounds too sad but it’s the truth. We look at love like it’s an extraordinary gift given to some lucky individuals, but then we don’t seem to see the burden it can give us if we fall too much. I often hear myself saying that the greatest love is when someone loves another and is being loved exactly the same way that the person does. It should be mutual. But then I came to realize that it isn’t always that way. Sometimes you love someone and make yourself believe that you’re not expecting anything in return, even though nothing compares to the pain it gives to that individual. I, myself, feel that way.

I love someone but I make myself contented with what we have right now, me loving him so much and him loving another. That’s just the way it is. I often feel the burden of this kind of affection but it doesn’t matter to me. I just wanted to show him that I am capable of loving him the way that no one could, hoping that one day, he would realize that. But I don’t know how long I can stay this way. There’s too much pain in me knowing that I won’t be able to get security from him whenever I feel the need, that I won’t be able to talk to him every time I wanted to, that I won’t be able to see him when I’m down, that I would never be able to ask him to hug me or kiss me when I feel lonely. Maybe it’s just the simple words like “take care” and “sweet dreams” that give me the strength to love him more.

I know that these are the only true affectionate words that he said to me. I know that sometimes we say words that we don’t really mean, and I don’t want to make myself believe that he feels more than that, because I know, through experience, that actions speak louder than words. I don’t want him to feel the need to say things that he doesn’t really mean. Maybe at this very moment that I am writing this, he’s thinking of someone else. I just cried a while ago thinking of this, but now, I can say that I am still willing to continue my love for him even though the fear of him stopping to care for me or talk to me still lurks in my mind. Maybe I’m too masochist, but then, I still believe that these are some things that only those who are in love could understand. I just wish that one day, when he realized what I’m saying right now, I still love him this way….